Alien Abductions Incorporated >> Kyle's Questions
Old But Insightful
Q & A Archive
A selection of some of the more insighful and important questions that we have received in ten years of operations. For the latest questions and answers, watch our corporate blog—exciting new Q&A every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday!
To: weekend@alienabductions.com
Subject: Group Rates?
I have a loyal following of 54 souls, all
anxiously waiting to be picked up by a flying saucer
piloted by the Archangel Gabriel. All of these people
have divested themselves of their worldly posessions
(donated to my "cause") and are expecting to embark
on a journey to to a "better place" sometime between
now and the new millennium. I would like to arrange
for a group memory implantation of that experience,
complete with spiritual discussions with the
Archangel, technical detils of the spacecraft—perhaps
a personal meeting with some advanced alien
species—and a believable alibi for returning to
the earthly plane (not your time, work to do, whatever).
If we can come to a mutually satisfactory arrangement,
I believe we can establish a recurring series of
ventures. Particularly since the millinnium starts at
the beginning of 2001, but most people will accept 2000.
I believe it is possible to arrange for the "debriefing"
of seven to ten groups between now and 2001. Can we
discuss your rates for these services?
D.B.
D.B. -
We here at Alien Abductions Incorporated find your question and all of its implications to be both offensive and insulting. The very idea that we would exploit the trust that has been given to us by our customers is beyond comprehension; after our years of struggle to establish para-abductology as a legitimate science, the merely financial rewards of the project that you describe would be hollow and utterly without value.
We would like to make it clear to you, D.B.—here and now, in public—that Alien Abductions Incorporated would never associate itself with such an undertaking, and that anyone who might approach you, late next week, using the contact information that you provided, about assisting with this venture does so entirely without our knowledge or consent.
To: qanda@alienabductions.com
Subject: Memories
I was curious as to how you overcome the memories of purchasing the
abduction? Are they erased, and if so, how do you handle your billing?
Or, are they somehow worked into the abduction experience?
Richard H.
Good question, Richard!
While we could simply cause customers to forget their contact with us and "overlook" the charge on their credit card or change in their bank balance, this sort of repression takes a great deal of work to accomplish and can cause unpleasant psychological side effects. It has proved far more effective for us to convert the memories into a slightly different sort of experience—a doctor's appointment, for example, or a job interview.
As for billing, we have a number of options available to suit our customers' needs. Many, not wanting to leave electronic records of their financial dealings, choose to pay for their Abduction Experience in cash; in these cases we incorporate a remembered event costing the same as the AE into the implantation. (Some of the more common scenarios are "Weekend in Tiajuana" and "Plumbing Disaster.")
In cases where a customer chooses a payment method with more records involved, we frequently route the bill through one of our (registered and fully legal) subsidiaries. Dozens of homeowners have happily paid the bill that they received from Obvious Front Co. (Stucco, Brickface, and Vinyl Siding Custom Installed) without ever giving it a second thought!
Thanks for asking!
To: qanda@alienabductions.com
Subject: Book
Dear Sirs/Madams,
I have written a full-length book on my
encounter with aliens. Can you tell me where I
can send my manuscript for publication?
Sincerely,
[name withheld]
Dear Sir;
We are sorry to have to tell you this, but the U.S. publishing industry is virtually bankrupt. They simply can't afford to produce any books that don't feature the dark secrets of small towns in Maine, young southern lawyers, or Modern Science Run Amok.
Not to worry, though, as your book would almost certainly have been suppressed by the World Government, which (of course) has a vested interest in keeping stories like yours from becoming public knowledge.
The best advice that we can offer is to try selling it to small publishing houses that specialize in topics that fall outside the mainstream. As a rule, they don't really expect to make any money anyway.
We wish you the best of luck in your endeavor.
