Alien Abductions Incorporated  >>  Kyle's Questions

As a matter of fact, Kyle, we have over the last few months been reviewing our archive of implantation session transcripts, looking for any case records of the sort that you describe; we began this process not simply to comply with the recent subpoena served at our offices, but because we here at AAI are always trying to refine and improve our product line. We are pleased to report, however, that our exhaustive search has uncovered no records of any kind that would indicate the occurrence of any case or cases of the sort that you describe.

That's a somewhat problematic question, Kyle. It appears that (for reasons that we don't yet fully understand) background checks on AAI rarely return accurate information. Other customers have explored this phenomenon at various times and reported to us that Alien Abductions Incorporated is: a privately-held corporation based in New York City, Portland, OR, or Rachel, NV; a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Disney Corporation; an office of the Department of Agriculture; one or more cruise ships registered in Panama and/or Liberia; and/or a Cayman Islands holding company.

If you should decide to pursue such an investigation, please inform us of the results at your earliest convenience—each additional example of this phenomenon brings us a little closer to understanding it!

Well, Kyle, excluding the investigations associated with frivolous (and wholly groundless) civil lawsuits (both of which we fully expect to be dismissed in the near future), the investigations undertaken by curious individuals such as yourself, and some probes arising from a misunderstanding of the federal tax code, Alien Abductions Incorporated is not at present being investigated by any entity for any reason.

The exact cost of an AAI Abduction Experience depends on a great number of factors, Kyle. The scenario design, customizations, medications, add-ons, paraphanelia, geographic cost-of-living adjustment—all of these affect the final cost of the Abduction Experience.

The most significant variable, however, is the most basic: orientation and implantation costs. Because each individual is different, a scenario that requires one impantation session for one person may require five sessions for another. You can be sure, though, that no matter how many billable hours it takes, AAI will provide you with the experience that you seek.

This, Kyle, is a question to which Alien Abductions Incorporated cannot provide a definitive answer; it is one that each individual must answer for themselves. This principle of "radical" idealism, however—namely of always going back to the constitutive acts of transcendental subjectivity—must obviously illuminate the universal horizon of consciousness that is the "world" and, above all, the intersubjectivity of this world—although what is constituted in this way, the world as what is common to many individuals, itself includes subjectivity. Though it is supposed to bracket all the validity of the world and all the pregivenness of anything else, transcendental reflection must regard itself too as included in the life-world. The reflective "I" sees itself as living in the context of ends for which the life-world is the basis. Thus, constituting the life-world (as well as intersubjectivity) is a paradoxical task.

We hope that this is a helpful starting point for your own musings.

No, not really. For as you should already know, Kyle, the courts have consistently held that we do not directly install any sort of fear, confusion, or mental anguish into our customers. To the extent that such states of mind may or may not exist after the implantation of an Abduction Experience, they are exclusively the responsibility of the Experiencer.

Alien Abductions Incorporated does not, of course, recommend using an Abduction Experience to explore these states of mind, and so is pleased to offer a low-cost course of medication, therapy, and deprogramming to any customer who chooses to discontinue any personal experimentation of this sort.

As for bank records, Kyle, since relatively few abductees have reported being forced to turn over their life's savings to their extraterrestrial captors (most even note that their cash and credit cards remain untouched through the entire process), this does not often figure in our Abduction Experience scenarios.

Harrassment is a trickier question. The nature of the Abduction Experience being what it is, there is almost invariably some feeling of "harrassment" on the part of the customer—that's simply part of what they're paying for. We do, however, make a concerted effort to determine how much surveillance and/or direct interaction the customer desires before beginning the Abduction Experience.

Regarding social life and career issues, one of the benefits that an Abduction Experience offers is a certain degree of flexibility: if you want to be abducted and probed every night for a week and still get to work on time and cheerful every morning, we can arrange it. On the other hand, many people feel that this sort of arrangement would prevent full enjoyment of the Abduction Experience, and arrange for more intensive weekend-long or vacation scenarios.

No, Kyle, we don't brain wash people; that is to say, we do not indoctrinate people to hold a specific belief or beliefs that they would not otherwise accept. Our customers come to us because they already know what they want to believe, but they can't fully do so on their own. This is an extremely important service in this day and age. You may, for example, have seen one of our ads that circulated among members of the Church of the Subgenius™ shortly before their day of reckoning was scheduled to occur:

The question, Kyle, is not whether we actually implant physical components into people, but whether they believe that we do so. In the vast majority of cases, you see, it is more than sufficient to provide an individual with the item that was "removed" and the memory of that removal.

While we are, of course, prepared to provide our clients with any surgery that they feel is necessary for the full enjoyment of their Abduction Experience, under no circumstances will we perform any procedure on a client without his or her prior authorization.

While this is not actually a question, Kyle, we believe that we understand the source of your interest. First, our company does predate that film by several years (though it is true that some of the early interest and research that shaped para-abductology was fueled by a Philip K. Dick story). Second, yes—some of our scenario designers have in recent years developed successful second careers writing for the Hollywood studios. We won't mention any names, but just think about some of the movies that you have seen lately...