Alien Abductions Incorporated  >>  Recent Questions

Real Answers to Customer Questions

Your Most Recent Questions

At Alien Abductions Incorporated we provide more than just the only scientifically recognized substitute for an abduction by extraterrestrial beings: we also serve as a resource for people who have the sorts of questions that other businesses just can't—or won't—answer.

There are, of course, some questions that are better left unanswered, but you'll never know whether yours is one of those unless you ask! We will be updating this page with new questions regularly, but watch our corporate blog for the latest questions and answers: new insights every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday!

To: qanda@alienabductions.com
Subject: Your Company

Just curious, how do you guys make money?

J.F.

An excellent question, J.F., and one that comes up more frequently than you might think!

"With all the money that you clearly put into research and development," our customers ask, "and the very reasonable rates that you charge for your outstanding products and services, how can you afford to stay in business? Why, now you even provide free on-line access to the Abductalizer!"

Well, our first concern must always be ensuring that our higly advanced techniques and technologies are always used responsibly. While AAI has received numerous funding offers from both public and private entities, we feel that is currently in the best interests of the general public for us to operate without obligation to anyone but our customers!

And while (as many of you have suggested) we have considered taking Alien Abductions Incorporated public, that is a step that we are not quite ready to take—but watch our corporate blog and news page over the next few months for more on that subject...

To: qanda@alienabductions.com
Subject: Is there real truth?

Hello, my name is Leigh and I was wondering if there is any truth to the x-files? I love the show, and everything about it! I was wondering if any of the topics are real life stories?

Leigh

To provide you with a complete and accurate answer to your question, Leigh, we thought it best to consult one of our contacts at the FBI. She reported to us that the majority of her time is spent investigating health care fraud, and that she "would never hear anything about aliens or conspiracies unless they intended to defraud Medicare." She pointed out that most Special Agents are "basically just lawyers or accountants with carry permits," and then offered to mail us some brochures explaining the role of the FBI in today's society.

Two days later, three of our Urban Field Offices were burglarized. The only items taken were computer hard drives and file printouts. Local law enforcement has informed us that they believe that these burglaries were part of a series of such crimes committed by a major organized crime family. The investigation is being conducted by the FBI. The FBI says they'll let us know as soon as they have any answers for us.

Thanks so much for your question, Leigh.

To: qanda@alienabductions.com
Subject: Seriously

Good Morning!

I watched a movie last night in which a man searches the net for information on alien abductions. I began surfing this morning for entertainment and found your site. I have to tell you that I have laughed out loud reading this drivel. Are you people for real and are you actually making money off this trash? It is amazing to me that you could actually advertise "implanting" a memory of an alien abduction.

Thanks for the laugh. I will chuckle all day!

Sincerely,
M.S.

Dear M.S. -

Because the nature of the human mind is central to the primary business of AAI, our staff includes numerous psychiatrists and psychologists. These individuals are respected, highly qualified professionals, and as such are naturally loath to base a psychiatric evaluation on a single, short, written communication.

That fact notwithstanding, we feel compelled to tell you that all of these individuals—without exception—expressed concern at the degree of thinly-veiled hostility that appears to lurk beneath the surface of your letter of thanks.

It is not our place to judge, though, so let us just say that we are pleased to have made a positive impact in your life. We trust that the memory of your experience with Alien Abductions Incorporated will continue to bring you pleasure for some time to come!

To: info@alienabductions.com
Subject: Order Info

Will the T-shirt protect me from the Scanner Rays???

Chris S.

No, Chris, nothing can protect you from the Scanner Rays.

Keep an eye on our corporate blog and special offers pages, though: we periodically offer packaging specials on t-shirt purchases, including special protective coverings that prevent the Postal Service scanners from identifying your purchase and logging it in their database.

This covering can be recycled into headgear that may aid in deflecting scanner rays, brain scans, satellite photography, and other unwanted intrusions on your privacy.